The 7 Things Your Waxer Isn’t Telling You
by LAUREN CRUZ
MAY 7, 2020
Did I forget to shave my legs?!
Do my lady parts look normal compared to others?
What will I ever do if I see her in public after this!?
Do I smell ok?
What if I kick her?
Should I bring aunt flo?
Did I leave anything “behind” when I visited the little girl’s room?
When you lay exposed on the exam table, there are always one thousand things running through your mind. In my 10 years behind the pot, I’ve learned most people are thinking the same excruciating thoughts, but are much too nervous, timid, or ashamed to ask. As a professional, I’d like to ease your mind, satisfy your curiosity, and share with you the brutally honest things your waxer is ACTUALLY concerned about in these moments.
1. We’re used to seeing hair EVERYwhere.
So you’re extra cold this winter and decided to grow out the ol’ leg sweaters, got caught up at your kids after school fencing competition and ended up with less time than you allotted for on your schedule, or you just straight up forgot. Whatever the reason, we want you to know that we get it. As a waxer, I’ve even shown up for my fair share of Gyno appointments staring embarrassingly at the fuzz trunks held up in the stirrups.
What we don’t want to see is ingrowns covering every inch of your skin where your hair used to be. All the time we've spent ridding you of your unsightly hairs wasn't so you could flaunt those unsightly bumps. I am da Vinci and your vag is my canvas. Not even Mona Lisa could pull off the red, irritated, bumpy look. This is not just another sales pitch. Please don't neglect your skin! Every waxer will tell you to use an exfoliate and an antibacterial; your waxed skin NEEDS it!
2. We’ve seen one, we’ve seen ‘em all..
..and quite frankly, I am not playing the mental game of Vagina Fashion Police and judging each by their own uniqueness. Just like I’m sure your career has become pretty much muscle memory, so has mine! At this point in my career, I could lay and pull a wax strip in my sleep so rest assured when I say, I’m not really looking at you like that. I’ve yet to have an experience where I go to lay a strip where I normally would, and that part of the vagina is missing.
What we are actually going to judge you for is showing up 10 minutes late for your 15 minute appointment slot and telling us you’re in a hurry…
Oh I went there, girlfriend.
3. An apple a day keeps the waxer away.
Seeing your waxer outside of the treatment room does not have to be as bad as seeing your teacher outside of their classroom. Unless you were born an alien, you have body hair. A study published in JAMA Dermatology, revealed that 84% of women groom their pubic hair. This doesn’t even include women who groom the hair on other body parts. It’s OKAY if the world knows you have a waxer! It’s totally normal, and I promise I won’t just run into you in the produce section of the supermarket and announce “I’VE SEEN HER VAGINA!” However, I also have my days where I prefer not to have a prolonged conversation while food shopping. So, if you prefer to go about your errands unbothered, your waxer will not be insulted.
4. Wake up and smell the roses.
Do you think you smell? If the answer is yes, then maybe you do, but it may also be completely normal. If you can avoid it, we appreciate it. However, we really don’t expect you to plan your entire day around your appointment. If you are smelling something abnormal, make an appointment with your gyno first. Vaginas can be weird and it's probably an easy fix!
Still feeling unsure? I have many clients who go to the gym and come to their appointment directly after a good sweat sesh. If you’re going to do this, it’s okay, but please don’t feel the need to inform your waxer of it. Let’s just confront it the way we do when you fart on the table... pretend like the other person didn’t notice.
I said what I said...
5. A waxer, not a fighter
Being waxed can be painful and sometimes when we’re in pain, we lose control of our body’s natural reactions. Some things you can do to prepare for the pain is take an aspirin prior to your appointment, breathe in through your nose and heavily out of your mouth while your waxer is removing the strip, and you can even bring a book or your phone with you onto the table to distract yourself. Most of my clients jump or do a little wiggle when the pain is high. Although, I have had a couple incidences where I have been physically and violently kicked. I will forgive you in most cases. MOST cases.
I won’t forgive you, however, if you walk into my room on your phone, disrobe, lay down in front of me and leave, all without acknowledging my existence. Waxing is an intimate experience and we enjoy the part of our job where we get to build relationships, this will also make your visits much more enjoyable and comfortable. As much as we encourage using distraction as a technique for pain management, we’d appreciate it if you could use it in conjunction with your manners.
6. A messy situation
It’s happened again. You’ve arrived at your evening wax appointment. As always, you scheduled it with enough time to rush home from work and take a quick shower so you could be fresh as a daisy for your waxer, but suddenly that protein bar you shoved down your face on your car ride over isn’t agreeing with you. Your nerves are getting to you while your much anticipated session is approaching. You use the little girl’s room and of course you are careful to clean thoroughly, but did you? How do you really know? And when the moment finally comes, you lay there humiliated with the idea that you’ve given us a full tush ambush.
I want you to know that it happens, and NO it’s not just you. An experienced waxer has seen it all and it comes with the territory. We know you didn’t intentionally leave us a little gift to whiff. You should probably ask yourself, however, if this is a common occurrence.
oh and one more thing. This one will be strictly business, strictly LADY business that is...
7. Quit ovary- acting
Brazilian waxes are normally scheduled every 3-4 weeks. As a woman, i am aware this has great potential to conflict with your monthly visit from Aunt Flo. Your waxer understands this possibility and we are totally prepared to accommodate you and the guest you didn't request. It's okay if your preference is to wait it out but we want you to know that on the occasion that waiting isn't an option, we're here for you. We only ask that you follow our protocol for this situation and please use a fresh tampon during your visit.
We'd much prefer giving your string a push to the side when it's your time of the week than getting a front row seat to shark week.
Phew! Well that wasn’t so bad!
I guess the depths of your waxers’ thoughts aren’t as dark and mysterious as you probably imagined. We understand some of this may be hard to swallow. How do WE understand? Well, your waxer has also been the client once or twice, whether with a colleague or prior to taking on the job and we have experienced the same horror and panic that you have. What’s worse is we likely have to work with, eat lunch with and chat with our waxer casually after our moment in the spotlight. So take a deep breath, maybe a shower, and go ahead and book that appointment. After all, It’s not gonna wax itself.